30 days and what have we learned?

Today marks day 30, the day I was supposed to have it all figured out. Well, I don't have to tell you that 30 days have come and gone and I definitely haven't completed the sweeping overhaul of my life.
But, I have learned a hell of a lot. Even though I haven't quit my job, moved to Tuscany, created a new life and lost 30 pounds, I have managed to focus on positive change for a solid 30 days. I think it's been nurturing and positive. I definitely feel that I'm laying the groundwork for the next phase of my life.

I love lists. I thrive off of them. So, the best way to communicate to you what I've learned and to communicate back to myself what I've achieved is to write it in list form.

I've learned

• You can't put a timeline on fate
• When I think of what I'd most like to be doing, sleeping for a solid week is at the top of the list. And it has always been at the top of that list. Seriously.
• I don't really have a career passion. What I want most of all is to care for my family.
• I've been really embarrassed about admitting that. 
• People should realize that being rude doesn't command good customer service.
• In fact, quite the opposite is true
• Turning down a job offer can be a kick to your self esteem.
• Not being selected for your dream job can be a kick in the teeth
• Turning 35 is not a big deal.
• Sometimes your own thoughts are your worst enemy
• Sparkly toenails can improve your outlook
• How my dream is realized his not important. I must believe that it's already arrived.
• If you put a 30 day deadline on your blog, you're going to spend the 30th day figuring out a new headline for your blog.

Speaking of which.......I've got a blog to re-title.

June 9,10,11,12...ok you get it.

June 14- Okay, a word about me and procrastination: Guilty.
It's more of a lack of momentum and a loss of inertia than anything. I settled into my routine, let that get the better of me and I lost my focus.

But, I'm back in the game today and ready to move forward.

My last few days were actually kind of pleasant. I had a great weekend with friends and family and didn't feel like throwing up on Sunday night. My boss is on vacation this week. It's amazing what you can accomplish without someone firing emails at you like you're a human target at a pea-shooting contest. Of course, my boss is still occasionally firing off emails from the Crack-Berry. But, thankfully, the Crack-Berry can't send multi-paged spreadsheets with the expectation of immediate completion. It's the little things.

Despite the relative manageability of my job in the last 2 1/2 days, I still need to retain my focus on finding another gig. While I haven't found any more job leads, I did decide to stop saying "no" to everything that comes across my path. In fact, I attended a seminar about a direct marketing company. I'm not sure if I want to get involved, but I am intrigued by the income lore.

I've been asking for a sign from the universe to tell me what to do.

I hope it's not selling my worldly goods and buying a Sno-Cone truck to take to Bonaroo next year.

June 8

I have a wonderful husband. I came home today to find grocery shopping done, dishes washed, dinner started, and a bouquet of spring flowers peeking at me through plastic wrapping.

I have a precious son, who says to me every night, "Oh Mommy.........I love you."

I have a wonderful family who makes me laugh. They have memories of me from the time before I had memories.

I have sparkling friends, both close and far away, who are never far away.

I have a beautiful house that gives me sanctuary.

I am healthy, despite some of the ways I've mistreated myself.

I can pay my mortgage, my car note, my light bill and have money left over for a pedicure.

I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my teeth and fix a vacuum cleaner with a pair of cuticle scissors.


I think I'm a pretty lucky girl. I must remember that.

And be thankful.

June 7

I've made progress today, both personal and professional. As I awoke in my usual ball of hyperventilating stress, I grabbed a book to read while the shower water was heating. It was A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I opened the book to somewhere, anywhere. I read a passage that says that my thoughts are creating my misery, not the circumstances themselves. This stuck with me, and I repeated it under my breath throughout the day. It actually helped! People were looking at me strangely because I was mumbling to myself by the fax machine, but who cares.

And, I truly believe, because of this mental detachment from the suckiness of my situation, it allowed more positive energy into my life. I got a job lead from my previous boss! Well pull my chain and call me Yankee! I'm so excited! I really think this could turn into something positive. Even if it's not my dream job, I believe it could provide me the mental space I need to discover some things about myself.

So fingers are crossed, toes are crossed, eyes are crossed, prayers and incantations have been said, chickens have been sacrificed.....oh wait.

Well, I had chicken tacos for dinner, so maybe that counts. There's probably some voodoo value to sour cream and guacamole.

June 6

I am reminded of my grandfather today, who landed on Omaha Beach 67 years ago. He was shot in the gut, lay on the beach for days and was finally picked up and put in a holding tank for Nazi wounded. He finally murmured the word "doctor" and was quickly whisked to better quarters with the wounded Allies.

All of this is to say that I really need to put my own troubles in perspective. While I am miserable every hour of every day at my job, at least my job doesn't involve getting shot or watching the unspeakable horrors of war.

My boss reminds me a bit of Mengele, but I digress.

On to productivity! Today I finally completed my recruiter application and sent it to the agency. I searched the jobs posted on Linked In, searched for jobs at various local colleges and universities and forwarded myself a link for an online application. 

I also bought a lottery ticket. Hey, you've got to keep your options open, right?

I stumbled onto the idea of applying for jobs at academic facilities because I realized today that I might be a bit too cerebral for my current line of work. I wrote a grammatically correct sentence today and my boss didn't understand it. Really? Really.

I think I've been over-estimating the average intelligence of the average middle-manager. That would explain my constant frustration with the over-explanation of overly-simplified things.

That sounds pretty egotistical, right? Sorry. I don't mean to.

But, the name of the game is self-discovery and if I don't explore all of my thoughts regarding my current state, I will be cheating myself and doing my readers a disservice. Actually, I think my only readers are my mom and my sister (Hi Guys!), but maybe one day this whole writing thing could become a livelihood.

I think I may be onto something. But how to get there?

June 4 & June 5

Well.....this weekend wasn't as productive as I'd anticipated. In fact, I'm almost embarrassed to admit how unproductive I've been. But, we're friends, right? No secrets.
While I haven't been productive on the job-searching front, I spent some great quality time with my family and did some major soul-searching. I'm beginning to realize that the job search is really only part of my journey.

Every single job I've had as a post-undergrad adult has been chosen out of financial necessity. Each time I accepted a job, I was accepting a source of livelihood rather than a true calling. So, here I am at 35 and I don't even know what my true calling is. And, I've been so beaten down by Darth Sidious and his crafty minions every day, that I don't know what my true talents are anymore.

It's really hard to be a grown-up and not know what you want to be when you grow up. The sensation of being adrift is almost paralyzing.

Right now, my instinct is pure survival. I would probably sever a pinky toe (my own, of course) if it meant I could disembark the Death Star. But, the ensuing months of financial hardship would be just as difficult as the rib-shattering stress of my job. So, we can strike that from the list of viable options.


The other option is to keep searching and make my days as bearable as possible. As much as my inner Chuck Norris tells me that medication is for weenies, I may have to go that route. The anxiety provoked by the mere thought of my daily grind is pretty unbearable. I wake to the thought of how ridiculous the coming day is going to be and then Babar The Elephant takes a siesta on my chest.

So, the plan for this week is to keep the job search running come hell or high water, call my Doc and ask for some pharmaceutical happiness and keep on plugging.

By the way, I think everyone should have an inner Chuck Norris. It makes your life feel more interesting. And more bulletproof.

June 3

Ahhhhh... Friday. For most, that's a day of relaxing work. For me, it's the day when inevitably the proverbial feces his the proverbial rotors. At least I have consistency. 

To start off, I didn't have time to complete my application for the recruiter, but I have that on my agenda for tomorrow. However, my sister Francine called me to talk about throwing a bridal shower for my other sister LuLu and in the course of that conversation, she referred me to a career counselor that she used in the past who may be able to help me!

My hesitation with talking to a career counselor lies with the fact that I hate customers. Hate. Customers. 

In the industry I'm in, my customers hit the door with the attitude that they're going to get the shaft. And it's damn near impossible to prove them wrong. Like I said, I work for the Death Star. It's an evil Empire. It's kind of their gig.

It's frankly embarrassing to admit to someone in a professional field that you hate customers. Fortunately, Francine put it all in perspective.

"Hallie," she said, "you don't hate customers. You hate Death Star customers. One of your traits is that you love to please people. And when you're in a situation where it's impossible to please people, you can't be happy because you can't succeed."

And she's right. Of course. That happens more than I'd care to admit.

So, with that, Francine gave me some career ideas. Maybe I could work in non-profit, where my knowledge can be used for good instead of evil. Maybe I can translate my love of processes and pleasing people into another industry where I can make a difference. In any event, Francine's also going to send me the link to a career assessment so I can find where my true talent lies.

Other than snuggling with DoodleBug and making homemade sticky buns, that is.